So i read this on a friend's blog recently (thanks Brooke!_ and I thought I would re-post it here because I agree with everything that she said. And also because I would like to make the same resolution that she did. I don't know that I will post every single time on other's blogs that I read, but more often than not, I would like to start doing so.
"the blog world is the ONLY instance of social interaction — short of the published book — where one can go listen to someone talk about their life and their thoughts for several minutes and not reply at all.
in any form of conversation a person would nod, grunt, or make hmm-ing noises at the very least. at most, they’d respond with a personal anecdote on a related topic, express sympathy or celebration, or start a conversation.
of course, those of us who blog know that we’re “putting it out there” to a necessarily anonymous and largely silent audience, and that’s a choice we’ve made, a risk we’ve taken. but lately i feel like i’d like to at least grunt in response to those who unwittingly share their lives with me via their blogs.
so, if i’ve read your blog entry, i’ll leave a comment. it will at least say, “hmm” or “ah!” or “thank you.” on a good day, it’ll say even more than that. i want to acknowledge that you are being heard.
and, if you’d like to return the gesture, dear anonymous reader, i would welcome it."
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
hearing from God
Hearing God/Fear
I’m reading this book right now called Stark Raving Obedience: Radical Results from Listening Prayer by Isaiah and Ted Kallman. A passage I read recently so stood out to me and convicted my heart that I wanted to share it. It is basically about hearing from God. And there was nothing spectaular that I have not heard before in this passage. But God used the words that he wrote to speak so clearly to me about my current situation of waiting on God to provide and trusting in his provision no matter what (even when things seem impossible). And more than that, it spoke to me of the fear that I have long carried and the basic distrust of God that the fear entails.
What he says sounds so beautifully simple and easy to the point of sounding naïve to those who do not believe. But there is much about our faith that does not make sense to those outside of it. Or even to us at times. For if it were impossible, he would not ask us to do it. He would not lay the option out there. He would not have created us to live this way. But yet He did.
And simple does not mean easy. Oh this is not easy. When lived out it is so very difficult. SO very difficult. It seems impossible really. But does it need to be? I wonder at how my life would be different if I really accepted this truth. When I look around and see our stressed out, depressed and anxious culture, I know without a doubt that we were not created to live as we do. Our bodies were not created to handle this tension and stress and worry. I know that there is a better way. A way that He made us perfectly for. A way where the burden and stress of providing and guiding lay squarely on God's shoulders and not on our own. This is what I want.
Here is the passage:
“I remember learning a lesson in Sunday school about the mustard seed. The teachers were trying to empower kids by telling them that their small seeds of faith would eventually grow into big trees of faith… I have trouble with that view… Jesus told his disciples that they only needed to have the mustard seed sized faith to perform great things. They only needed that little bit of trust. They didn’t need to wait for some high degree of faith before they cold have that kind of relationship with God. Mustard seeds are pretty small. So when I hear “I just didn’t have enough faith,” I get a little angry. If you have faith enough to try, and are willing to listen and obey, you will hear God. If you have faith enough to speak the truth, even in uncomfortable situations, truth will overcome the lie.
Confusion sometimes comes because we don’t understand the difference between belief and faith. Belief is when a person has mentally accepted and ascribed himself or herself to the truth of God’s Word. Faith is when a person acts upon the truth he or she claims to accept.
Now think about this. If we believe what God says, place our trust in Him and claim his Word is true, then anything that does not agree with His Word is a lie. That is, whatever contradicts His Word conflicts with the truth and we should not believe it.
For example, the Word says in many places that we can hear His voice. When I read these verses, then I believe that God speaks. It’s based on the truth of the Bible. When I start to think that God doesn’t ever speak to me, then I have accepted a lie.
This brings me to the point of trust and unbelief. Sometimes we see circumstances as impossible or symptoms that appear hopeless. (“But if I don’t get that promotion, I won’t have the money to pay the bills”). What are you going to put your trust in more, the facts (circumstances and symptoms) or the truth? Jesus told us not to worry about what we eat or wear but know that God will feed and cloth us.
So which do we accept? The kingdom of lies, sin, death and the curse? Or do we surrender to the kingdom of God? If we accept the lie and do not trust God, then we live our lives in fear because there is no assurance. There is nothing to trust and so we worry. We give the lie power when we accept it, and by accepting the lie, we reject God’s Word. And if we have rejected God’s Word, then how can we hear his voice? We just told him to silence it.”
He then goes on to describe a season of his life (a few years) when he didn’t hear the voice of God at all.
He says “had God stopped speaking to me? No but I was afraid of what he might say. I realized then that I had made an idol of myself. I wanted to do things my own way. I was afraid of what I might have to sacrifice if I followed God’s will.
One can describe fear as an emotion, something that rises in us when we feel threatened or unable to control a situation…As a believer, I know there is a sprit of fear. This kind of fear is a lie, a lack of trust in God’s sovereignty and protection. When we take on the spirit of fear and do not trust God with the situation, we have accepted a lie and have sinned. I know that it isn’t easy to trust a God that is immaterial. It would be nice to have a physical pat on the back from the Most High every time we faced a problem. But if we don’t trust God when we are afraid, then how can we go to Him for peace or guidance? (“God I trust you except when you say that you will take care of me and provide for me. And except when you say that I am important and loved.” See what I mean?). Haven’t we already given power to the lies of fear by believing that God isn’t in control of the situation or of us? Fear can come into our lives in ways to subtle and gradual that we don’t even know we have accepted it as a part of our lives.”
And fear as I have learned, always leads to bondage.
I’m reading this book right now called Stark Raving Obedience: Radical Results from Listening Prayer by Isaiah and Ted Kallman. A passage I read recently so stood out to me and convicted my heart that I wanted to share it. It is basically about hearing from God. And there was nothing spectaular that I have not heard before in this passage. But God used the words that he wrote to speak so clearly to me about my current situation of waiting on God to provide and trusting in his provision no matter what (even when things seem impossible). And more than that, it spoke to me of the fear that I have long carried and the basic distrust of God that the fear entails.
What he says sounds so beautifully simple and easy to the point of sounding naïve to those who do not believe. But there is much about our faith that does not make sense to those outside of it. Or even to us at times. For if it were impossible, he would not ask us to do it. He would not lay the option out there. He would not have created us to live this way. But yet He did.
And simple does not mean easy. Oh this is not easy. When lived out it is so very difficult. SO very difficult. It seems impossible really. But does it need to be? I wonder at how my life would be different if I really accepted this truth. When I look around and see our stressed out, depressed and anxious culture, I know without a doubt that we were not created to live as we do. Our bodies were not created to handle this tension and stress and worry. I know that there is a better way. A way that He made us perfectly for. A way where the burden and stress of providing and guiding lay squarely on God's shoulders and not on our own. This is what I want.
Here is the passage:
“I remember learning a lesson in Sunday school about the mustard seed. The teachers were trying to empower kids by telling them that their small seeds of faith would eventually grow into big trees of faith… I have trouble with that view… Jesus told his disciples that they only needed to have the mustard seed sized faith to perform great things. They only needed that little bit of trust. They didn’t need to wait for some high degree of faith before they cold have that kind of relationship with God. Mustard seeds are pretty small. So when I hear “I just didn’t have enough faith,” I get a little angry. If you have faith enough to try, and are willing to listen and obey, you will hear God. If you have faith enough to speak the truth, even in uncomfortable situations, truth will overcome the lie.
Confusion sometimes comes because we don’t understand the difference between belief and faith. Belief is when a person has mentally accepted and ascribed himself or herself to the truth of God’s Word. Faith is when a person acts upon the truth he or she claims to accept.
Now think about this. If we believe what God says, place our trust in Him and claim his Word is true, then anything that does not agree with His Word is a lie. That is, whatever contradicts His Word conflicts with the truth and we should not believe it.
For example, the Word says in many places that we can hear His voice. When I read these verses, then I believe that God speaks. It’s based on the truth of the Bible. When I start to think that God doesn’t ever speak to me, then I have accepted a lie.
This brings me to the point of trust and unbelief. Sometimes we see circumstances as impossible or symptoms that appear hopeless. (“But if I don’t get that promotion, I won’t have the money to pay the bills”). What are you going to put your trust in more, the facts (circumstances and symptoms) or the truth? Jesus told us not to worry about what we eat or wear but know that God will feed and cloth us.
So which do we accept? The kingdom of lies, sin, death and the curse? Or do we surrender to the kingdom of God? If we accept the lie and do not trust God, then we live our lives in fear because there is no assurance. There is nothing to trust and so we worry. We give the lie power when we accept it, and by accepting the lie, we reject God’s Word. And if we have rejected God’s Word, then how can we hear his voice? We just told him to silence it.”
He then goes on to describe a season of his life (a few years) when he didn’t hear the voice of God at all.
He says “had God stopped speaking to me? No but I was afraid of what he might say. I realized then that I had made an idol of myself. I wanted to do things my own way. I was afraid of what I might have to sacrifice if I followed God’s will.
One can describe fear as an emotion, something that rises in us when we feel threatened or unable to control a situation…As a believer, I know there is a sprit of fear. This kind of fear is a lie, a lack of trust in God’s sovereignty and protection. When we take on the spirit of fear and do not trust God with the situation, we have accepted a lie and have sinned. I know that it isn’t easy to trust a God that is immaterial. It would be nice to have a physical pat on the back from the Most High every time we faced a problem. But if we don’t trust God when we are afraid, then how can we go to Him for peace or guidance? (“God I trust you except when you say that you will take care of me and provide for me. And except when you say that I am important and loved.” See what I mean?). Haven’t we already given power to the lies of fear by believing that God isn’t in control of the situation or of us? Fear can come into our lives in ways to subtle and gradual that we don’t even know we have accepted it as a part of our lives.”
And fear as I have learned, always leads to bondage.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
A snapshot
Things going on at my workplace lately:
A co-worker's daughter is in the hospital brain-dead and on life support. One minute she was sitting there talking to her father, the next minute she collapsed and hasn't woken up since. The doctors can't figure out what happened to her. They say there is nothing they can do now...
A co-worker found out that she has cancer. Her husband died from cancer three years ago. Her children are terrified of losing their mother too.
Two co-workers have had deaths in their circle of friends and family.
A co-worker got into a bad car accident
One of our main volunteers found out that she has cancer
This all comes in the midst of one of the busiest seasons that we have ever had. It seems too much really. So much pain and heartache. So much exhaustion and worry and fear. We don't know what is going on. Or what to do.
So we pray. And pray and pray. And we cling to Jesus. And hold fast to the knowledge that He is good and trustworthy. And loving. And kind. These things he has proven to us over and over. and these truths, they never change.
oh how we need you Jesus. We need you desperately.
A co-worker's daughter is in the hospital brain-dead and on life support. One minute she was sitting there talking to her father, the next minute she collapsed and hasn't woken up since. The doctors can't figure out what happened to her. They say there is nothing they can do now...
A co-worker found out that she has cancer. Her husband died from cancer three years ago. Her children are terrified of losing their mother too.
Two co-workers have had deaths in their circle of friends and family.
A co-worker got into a bad car accident
One of our main volunteers found out that she has cancer
This all comes in the midst of one of the busiest seasons that we have ever had. It seems too much really. So much pain and heartache. So much exhaustion and worry and fear. We don't know what is going on. Or what to do.
So we pray. And pray and pray. And we cling to Jesus. And hold fast to the knowledge that He is good and trustworthy. And loving. And kind. These things he has proven to us over and over. and these truths, they never change.
oh how we need you Jesus. We need you desperately.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Fear
This post is much longer and much more vulnerable than I am used to being on here. So I was a bit hesitant to write it. But if I can't be honest here then where can I? And really what do I have to fear from the truth? Only freedom can come from speaking lies out loud. So here goes...
Currently in my small group, we are doing a study called Breaking Free. And what I am realizing through this study is that my confidence is not in God. It lies entirely in people. And how I feel is dependant on how people treat me, how much attention they give me and what they think of me. I have this nice little cycyle where I am going along just fine with life and then something happens that makes me feel rejected or unloved or unnoticed and it suddenly throws me into this place that causes me to doubt who I am and my worth. And this typically leads to feeling sad and lonely. And so I just endlessly feel tossed to and fro on the waves of human emotion with my circumstances and other people determining how I feel about myself or my life.
If I were honest I would say that I live in fear of what other people think. I feel uncomfortable and awkward around people. Pretty much everyone, all the time. Even people that I have known a long time and that I am fairly confident love me.
Social situations cause me lots of anxiety and fear. Big groups, one-on-one, it doesn’t matter, they all intimidate me. The only time when I am comfortable and can relax is basically when I am by myself. So a good deal of my life, when out in the world, is spent feeling awkward and anxious and out of place.
So my behavior in reaction to all of this is generally to hide. I hate being the center of attention, I struggle to be vulnerable and open, I don’t talk very much and when I do, I generally try to avoid talking about myself instead preferring to ask lots of questions to continually draw a conversation back to the other person. Or to ramble on nervously about something superficial and shallow.
And I hate this, all of it. And what underlies this fear and hiding and anxiety and the behaviors that cover them all, is the deep down quiet ache of my heart that believes the lie that was whispered in my ear for most of my life- that I am not enough. That me, just as I am, is not enough for people. I have nothing to offer, I have nothing to say, I am boring and uninteresting, I am not worth your time, what I have to say or do (and my life) is not as important as what you have to say or do (or your life). People don’t really like me, not truly (because I am not enough for them). People don’t notice me. They don't truly care... So I hide from people because I am afraid if the attention is on me, that people will notice that I have nothing to offer, that I am boring, and then they will get bored and they will leave. And I guess that really is the biggest fear of them all, that age old fear of rejection.
So because of this, I have always carried this secret hope in my heart. This image of this person that I want to be, that I think I should be. And that person is: bubbly, joyful, outgoing, charismatic, engaging, funny, interesting, social, talkative, magnetic…I desperately want to be this person. I long for it as if it would magically make everything better (which of course it wouldn't). And because I am not this person I continually feel like there is something wrong with me, like I am not good enough. And if I were honest, I would say that I think this kind of person is better than the kind of person that I am. At the heart of that is a refusal to accept the person that God created me to be. Now I can be joyful and happy, that is for sure, because I have Christ in me. But I will never be an outgoing, bubbly, talkative kind of person because this is not who God created me to be. He made me a quieter, gentler, more contemplative kind of person. And I want to accept that, and not just accept it but love it. Because to not is to say that He made a mistake when he created me the way he did. And this is VERY untrue.
But looking back on my life (before I came to know Jesus), I can see how Satan beat these lies into my head with every heartbreak, rejection, wound and tragedy. Over and over again. And when you don’t know Jesus then why on earth would you believe any different? How do you know that the things that Satan whispers in your ear are a lie? How do you know to fight against them? You don’t, or at least I didn’t. So I believed them and they become this part of my heart and head in a way. Such a part that now, decades later, the lies linger there, whispering in my ear whenever I become weak or lonely or sad. This is my wound, the place where I am weak and vulnerable, where Satan always hits me when I am down.
And while I have come a long, long way. And while God has brought so much redemption and healing and grace and growth and change to my life that I can hardly stand to think of it without crying. And while God has taken care of me and has been outrageously, beautifully good to me and blessed me with so many good things and so many good friendships. And while most of the time these lies take a backseat and I don't feel overwhelmed by them. While all of these things are true, I still feel consumed by this fear more often than I would like to admit.
So I am not really sure where to go from here. To be honest, these aren’t really new revelations, these are things I have struggled with for years (my whole life really). And I have prayed about this, and prayed and prayed and prayed. And gone to counseling and read books about freedom in Christ and gone through Breakthrough and Retelling and the 12 steps to Freedom in Christ. Freedom and healing and the abundant life of Christ is something I have PURSUED. And yet I still struggle. I still feel crippled by self doubt and fear. I still feel like I fall so short of the abundant life that God created me for. And I don’t know what else to do.
I just want more from this life that I am living. SO much more. And I know that God has so much more.
And these are all lies of course. OF COURSE. I know this...most of the time. Oh how Satan loves to get us to doubt our God, to doubt his goodness and his truth.
So this I know:
These aren’t just little lies I am believing. They are huge, consuming lies. These are strongholds. Places where Satan has a big, fat foothold in my life. Open wounds which he uses to his advantage and of which he takes every opportunity to remind me of and to whisper lies into. And they are keeping me from my spiritual destiny which is to be a confident, passionate follower of Christ who boldly proclaims the love and grace of Jesus to the world (as it is for all of us).
And this is exhausting and sad and unholy and sinful (and I am tired of it). It is a pursuing of approval and worth in man when it can only come from God. It is believing lies when Christ has over and over again spoken the truth to me (and others have too) and I seem to refuse to listen.
And this I think, I know, breaks God’s heart. That one that he created perfect and beautiful, that one that he loves deeply and wholly, that one that he said was enough to die for and with his death marked me worthy and called me his child- that this person would reject his love and his truth in favor of a life burdened by lies and deception, chasing after the approval of man for some small scrap of approval or validation. This, oh this must be absolutely and totally heartbreaking for him.
So what to do? I don’t know really.
The one thing I do know is that I need I spend time with Him and in His word DAILY. Because all day long, every single day of my life, I am assaulted by the lies of the world and of the enemy. And the only way to counter this and not be consumed is to daily receive God’s truth and love for me through spending time with Him and reading his Word which is full to the brim with the truths that he has spoken for ages to His people. I am realizing that this can no longer be negotiable (how could I have ever thought different?). This is vital for any that would choose to live the life that God has called us to.
The Bible describes Satan as a roaring lion seeking to devour those of us who believe. And I think god uses the Lion imagery for a reason. Lions silently hunt their prey down and then they attack and rip the flesh from their bones and eat them alive. That is pretty powerful imagery the Bible uses. This isn’t some cute little metaphor. This is serious. This is what Satan is doing every single day, this is where the onslaught of lies comes from. He is the very source. So countering that with spending time with God every single day isn’t just important, it is a necessity. It is vital for life. Lest we be consumed.
Also I am also choosing to pursue the truth. Specifically, I am CHOOSEing to believe the following truths:
1. God loves me. And God’s goodness and love for me does not depend on my current circumstances
2. God created me to live an abundant life
3. God came to bring freedom and life, life to the FULL
4. God hears my cries, every single one of them and he cares about them deeply
5. God is a healer and he wants nothing more than to bring healing and freedom (Psalm 147:3)
6. God did not give me a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7)
7. It is for freedom that Christ has set me free (Galations 5:1)
8. God has set before me life and death and he longs that I choose LIFE (Deut 30:19)
9. I have divine power to demolish strongholds
10. God’s truth is greater than my truth
11. God’s truth is more powerful to set me free than Satan’s (or my) truth has the power to keep me in bondage
12. God is asking me to believe that he is able and willing (to heal me, set me free)
13. My weakness cannot EVER trump God’s strength
14. As long as I believe the lies, I will behave accordingly
15. Satan tries to coax us into making peace with our bondage
16. Faith is the opposite of fear
17. Our spiritual lineage can overpower and disable any continuing negative effects of our physical lineage (Truths 9-17 come via Beth Moore in the book Breaking Free)
18. I have a choice as to how I look at my life.
19. God has and is doing amazing things in me. God is using me and He is not done using me.
20. People love me
21. This is not about needing comfort and compassion from God (or other people). It's about me believing He is good and that He is in control and that He has a good plan for my life and that He has the power to get me there (truths 18-20 come via the beautiful Sabrina Swagerman).
So I choose in faith to believe these truths. And this will not be easy. This will be the battle of my life (and has been). And I will have to choose to believe His truth over and over a million times a day in the face of much opposition and many lies.
Because this is the only answer. And I do not think this is impossible. No this is very possible. This is the life that we are created for.
So, Father I confess my fear and unbelief. I confess that I have sought to find my worth and value in man and not in God. I confess that I have chosen to believe lies over your truth over and over again. I confess that I have not loved and accepted who you created me to be and have instead rebelled against it. I ask that you give me the strength to step out of fear and into faith. I ask you Pappa to remind me of these truths that you have spoken to me and that you give me the strength to see them and believe them and remember them daily.
God, I want to be rooted and grounded in your beautiful, freeing truth. I want to know the depths of your outrageous, holy, indescribable, healing, consuming love for me. I want to know in my heart of hearts that I am totally accepted by You. I want to find my confidence and worth and value and hope in You and You alone. I want to know and believe and love who You created me to be. I want to know Your truth deep down at the core of my being. So that no matter what happens, I am not shaken. Because I know the depths of the love You have for me and the reality of Your truth which trumps EVERYTHING. I want to be the strong, confident, courageous woman that You created me to be. I want to live this way Lord. I want to live the abundant walk that You created me for.
I ask that you redeem my personality and the traits and characteristics that you have given me. Because Satan has taken some of these personality characteristics of mine and spoken lies into them and twisted them so that what You intended became unholy and sinful and sad. Redeem this Lord I ask of you. Bring forth beauty and goodness and life from what Satan meant to use to destroy me. Speak your truth into these broken, wounded places. Bring healing and peace.
Only you can do this Lord. Only you can do this. And I thank you for it Abba.
Currently in my small group, we are doing a study called Breaking Free. And what I am realizing through this study is that my confidence is not in God. It lies entirely in people. And how I feel is dependant on how people treat me, how much attention they give me and what they think of me. I have this nice little cycyle where I am going along just fine with life and then something happens that makes me feel rejected or unloved or unnoticed and it suddenly throws me into this place that causes me to doubt who I am and my worth. And this typically leads to feeling sad and lonely. And so I just endlessly feel tossed to and fro on the waves of human emotion with my circumstances and other people determining how I feel about myself or my life.
If I were honest I would say that I live in fear of what other people think. I feel uncomfortable and awkward around people. Pretty much everyone, all the time. Even people that I have known a long time and that I am fairly confident love me.
Social situations cause me lots of anxiety and fear. Big groups, one-on-one, it doesn’t matter, they all intimidate me. The only time when I am comfortable and can relax is basically when I am by myself. So a good deal of my life, when out in the world, is spent feeling awkward and anxious and out of place.
So my behavior in reaction to all of this is generally to hide. I hate being the center of attention, I struggle to be vulnerable and open, I don’t talk very much and when I do, I generally try to avoid talking about myself instead preferring to ask lots of questions to continually draw a conversation back to the other person. Or to ramble on nervously about something superficial and shallow.
And I hate this, all of it. And what underlies this fear and hiding and anxiety and the behaviors that cover them all, is the deep down quiet ache of my heart that believes the lie that was whispered in my ear for most of my life- that I am not enough. That me, just as I am, is not enough for people. I have nothing to offer, I have nothing to say, I am boring and uninteresting, I am not worth your time, what I have to say or do (and my life) is not as important as what you have to say or do (or your life). People don’t really like me, not truly (because I am not enough for them). People don’t notice me. They don't truly care... So I hide from people because I am afraid if the attention is on me, that people will notice that I have nothing to offer, that I am boring, and then they will get bored and they will leave. And I guess that really is the biggest fear of them all, that age old fear of rejection.
So because of this, I have always carried this secret hope in my heart. This image of this person that I want to be, that I think I should be. And that person is: bubbly, joyful, outgoing, charismatic, engaging, funny, interesting, social, talkative, magnetic…I desperately want to be this person. I long for it as if it would magically make everything better (which of course it wouldn't). And because I am not this person I continually feel like there is something wrong with me, like I am not good enough. And if I were honest, I would say that I think this kind of person is better than the kind of person that I am. At the heart of that is a refusal to accept the person that God created me to be. Now I can be joyful and happy, that is for sure, because I have Christ in me. But I will never be an outgoing, bubbly, talkative kind of person because this is not who God created me to be. He made me a quieter, gentler, more contemplative kind of person. And I want to accept that, and not just accept it but love it. Because to not is to say that He made a mistake when he created me the way he did. And this is VERY untrue.
But looking back on my life (before I came to know Jesus), I can see how Satan beat these lies into my head with every heartbreak, rejection, wound and tragedy. Over and over again. And when you don’t know Jesus then why on earth would you believe any different? How do you know that the things that Satan whispers in your ear are a lie? How do you know to fight against them? You don’t, or at least I didn’t. So I believed them and they become this part of my heart and head in a way. Such a part that now, decades later, the lies linger there, whispering in my ear whenever I become weak or lonely or sad. This is my wound, the place where I am weak and vulnerable, where Satan always hits me when I am down.
And while I have come a long, long way. And while God has brought so much redemption and healing and grace and growth and change to my life that I can hardly stand to think of it without crying. And while God has taken care of me and has been outrageously, beautifully good to me and blessed me with so many good things and so many good friendships. And while most of the time these lies take a backseat and I don't feel overwhelmed by them. While all of these things are true, I still feel consumed by this fear more often than I would like to admit.
So I am not really sure where to go from here. To be honest, these aren’t really new revelations, these are things I have struggled with for years (my whole life really). And I have prayed about this, and prayed and prayed and prayed. And gone to counseling and read books about freedom in Christ and gone through Breakthrough and Retelling and the 12 steps to Freedom in Christ. Freedom and healing and the abundant life of Christ is something I have PURSUED. And yet I still struggle. I still feel crippled by self doubt and fear. I still feel like I fall so short of the abundant life that God created me for. And I don’t know what else to do.
I just want more from this life that I am living. SO much more. And I know that God has so much more.
And these are all lies of course. OF COURSE. I know this...most of the time. Oh how Satan loves to get us to doubt our God, to doubt his goodness and his truth.
So this I know:
These aren’t just little lies I am believing. They are huge, consuming lies. These are strongholds. Places where Satan has a big, fat foothold in my life. Open wounds which he uses to his advantage and of which he takes every opportunity to remind me of and to whisper lies into. And they are keeping me from my spiritual destiny which is to be a confident, passionate follower of Christ who boldly proclaims the love and grace of Jesus to the world (as it is for all of us).
And this is exhausting and sad and unholy and sinful (and I am tired of it). It is a pursuing of approval and worth in man when it can only come from God. It is believing lies when Christ has over and over again spoken the truth to me (and others have too) and I seem to refuse to listen.
And this I think, I know, breaks God’s heart. That one that he created perfect and beautiful, that one that he loves deeply and wholly, that one that he said was enough to die for and with his death marked me worthy and called me his child- that this person would reject his love and his truth in favor of a life burdened by lies and deception, chasing after the approval of man for some small scrap of approval or validation. This, oh this must be absolutely and totally heartbreaking for him.
So what to do? I don’t know really.
The one thing I do know is that I need I spend time with Him and in His word DAILY. Because all day long, every single day of my life, I am assaulted by the lies of the world and of the enemy. And the only way to counter this and not be consumed is to daily receive God’s truth and love for me through spending time with Him and reading his Word which is full to the brim with the truths that he has spoken for ages to His people. I am realizing that this can no longer be negotiable (how could I have ever thought different?). This is vital for any that would choose to live the life that God has called us to.
The Bible describes Satan as a roaring lion seeking to devour those of us who believe. And I think god uses the Lion imagery for a reason. Lions silently hunt their prey down and then they attack and rip the flesh from their bones and eat them alive. That is pretty powerful imagery the Bible uses. This isn’t some cute little metaphor. This is serious. This is what Satan is doing every single day, this is where the onslaught of lies comes from. He is the very source. So countering that with spending time with God every single day isn’t just important, it is a necessity. It is vital for life. Lest we be consumed.
Also I am also choosing to pursue the truth. Specifically, I am CHOOSEing to believe the following truths:
1. God loves me. And God’s goodness and love for me does not depend on my current circumstances
2. God created me to live an abundant life
3. God came to bring freedom and life, life to the FULL
4. God hears my cries, every single one of them and he cares about them deeply
5. God is a healer and he wants nothing more than to bring healing and freedom (Psalm 147:3)
6. God did not give me a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7)
7. It is for freedom that Christ has set me free (Galations 5:1)
8. God has set before me life and death and he longs that I choose LIFE (Deut 30:19)
9. I have divine power to demolish strongholds
10. God’s truth is greater than my truth
11. God’s truth is more powerful to set me free than Satan’s (or my) truth has the power to keep me in bondage
12. God is asking me to believe that he is able and willing (to heal me, set me free)
13. My weakness cannot EVER trump God’s strength
14. As long as I believe the lies, I will behave accordingly
15. Satan tries to coax us into making peace with our bondage
16. Faith is the opposite of fear
17. Our spiritual lineage can overpower and disable any continuing negative effects of our physical lineage (Truths 9-17 come via Beth Moore in the book Breaking Free)
18. I have a choice as to how I look at my life.
19. God has and is doing amazing things in me. God is using me and He is not done using me.
20. People love me
21. This is not about needing comfort and compassion from God (or other people). It's about me believing He is good and that He is in control and that He has a good plan for my life and that He has the power to get me there (truths 18-20 come via the beautiful Sabrina Swagerman).
So I choose in faith to believe these truths. And this will not be easy. This will be the battle of my life (and has been). And I will have to choose to believe His truth over and over a million times a day in the face of much opposition and many lies.
Because this is the only answer. And I do not think this is impossible. No this is very possible. This is the life that we are created for.
So, Father I confess my fear and unbelief. I confess that I have sought to find my worth and value in man and not in God. I confess that I have chosen to believe lies over your truth over and over again. I confess that I have not loved and accepted who you created me to be and have instead rebelled against it. I ask that you give me the strength to step out of fear and into faith. I ask you Pappa to remind me of these truths that you have spoken to me and that you give me the strength to see them and believe them and remember them daily.
God, I want to be rooted and grounded in your beautiful, freeing truth. I want to know the depths of your outrageous, holy, indescribable, healing, consuming love for me. I want to know in my heart of hearts that I am totally accepted by You. I want to find my confidence and worth and value and hope in You and You alone. I want to know and believe and love who You created me to be. I want to know Your truth deep down at the core of my being. So that no matter what happens, I am not shaken. Because I know the depths of the love You have for me and the reality of Your truth which trumps EVERYTHING. I want to be the strong, confident, courageous woman that You created me to be. I want to live this way Lord. I want to live the abundant walk that You created me for.
I ask that you redeem my personality and the traits and characteristics that you have given me. Because Satan has taken some of these personality characteristics of mine and spoken lies into them and twisted them so that what You intended became unholy and sinful and sad. Redeem this Lord I ask of you. Bring forth beauty and goodness and life from what Satan meant to use to destroy me. Speak your truth into these broken, wounded places. Bring healing and peace.
Only you can do this Lord. Only you can do this. And I thank you for it Abba.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Friendship
Last weekend two of my favorite people, Sabrina and Aaron, came to visit. It was a delightful weekend and one that I think God used to encourage each of us in different ways. We all met 6 years ago when we did this little discipleship training program in Kansas City, called Masters Commission.
I love that we have managed to stay friends all these years. I love that we can go one or two years without seeing each other but then pick right up where we left off when we do. I love that they encourage me and spur me on towards Christ. I love that comfort that comes from knowing people well and knowing that they know you well and still love you just the same.
This I think is a beautiful gift from God and one that I am very thankful for.
I love that we have managed to stay friends all these years. I love that we can go one or two years without seeing each other but then pick right up where we left off when we do. I love that they encourage me and spur me on towards Christ. I love that comfort that comes from knowing people well and knowing that they know you well and still love you just the same.
This I think is a beautiful gift from God and one that I am very thankful for.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Choices
Recently I had this amazing opportunity to mentor young refugee girls who are coming to know Christ. And I had to turn it down. Because right now I can’t see how I can add one more thing to my life. And this is heartbreaking. Because who wants to turn down such an amazing opportunity, especially for a person that has such a heart for refugees?
Lately I have just been feeling overwhelmed. My life just feels busy and full but not in a good way. And I need to let something go, but how do I do that when everything seems important? What do I let go of when all the things I am currently involved in are a part of my heart and my health? Sometimes I don’t understand how to be this healthy person devoted to God and the people he has put in my life and those he has called me to minister to while also working full time and doing the normal life stuff (errands, cooking (which being gluten, dairy and sugar free is sort of a necessity), cleaning, exercising, going to bible study, going to small group, etc).
And my heart feels pulled in so many different directions (partly to refugees and partly to the Westside and partly to the Boiler Room). And as a result I can only give a tiny part of myself to all these things. And currently that part of myself is distracted and unfocused and tired and definitely, definitely not fully present. And this isn’t good. And this does not feel like the abundant life that jesus called me to.
And I am realizing that unless He specifically tells me to do something or to be in a relationship or to pursue a ministry or whatever (even if it is a very good thing and something I am very passionate about) then I need to let it go. So I need to make some hard decisions. And I very much want these to be God’s decisions and not my own.
I very much need jesus to tell me what to do. I need His guidance and wisdom and discernment. I need to know what HE wants me to focus my time and energies on. I need to know WHO he wants me to be and what he created me for. So that I can pursue that thing with passionate single-minded focus.
So this weekend I am spending a few days alone with jesus at the Hytta (a cute retreat house near the lake) for the sole purpose of seeking jesus about these questions and listening for his answer. And I desperately covet your prayers for this time. Because I want to hear Him and Him alone…
Thanks friends
Lately I have just been feeling overwhelmed. My life just feels busy and full but not in a good way. And I need to let something go, but how do I do that when everything seems important? What do I let go of when all the things I am currently involved in are a part of my heart and my health? Sometimes I don’t understand how to be this healthy person devoted to God and the people he has put in my life and those he has called me to minister to while also working full time and doing the normal life stuff (errands, cooking (which being gluten, dairy and sugar free is sort of a necessity), cleaning, exercising, going to bible study, going to small group, etc).
And my heart feels pulled in so many different directions (partly to refugees and partly to the Westside and partly to the Boiler Room). And as a result I can only give a tiny part of myself to all these things. And currently that part of myself is distracted and unfocused and tired and definitely, definitely not fully present. And this isn’t good. And this does not feel like the abundant life that jesus called me to.
And I am realizing that unless He specifically tells me to do something or to be in a relationship or to pursue a ministry or whatever (even if it is a very good thing and something I am very passionate about) then I need to let it go. So I need to make some hard decisions. And I very much want these to be God’s decisions and not my own.
I very much need jesus to tell me what to do. I need His guidance and wisdom and discernment. I need to know what HE wants me to focus my time and energies on. I need to know WHO he wants me to be and what he created me for. So that I can pursue that thing with passionate single-minded focus.
So this weekend I am spending a few days alone with jesus at the Hytta (a cute retreat house near the lake) for the sole purpose of seeking jesus about these questions and listening for his answer. And I desperately covet your prayers for this time. Because I want to hear Him and Him alone…
Thanks friends
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